When Light Fades

I took a hiatus from writing publicly but obviously I'm back. I was reading through a few journals I had written in high school and noticed some disturbingly similar patterns in my life. The last few months have grown increasingly difficult, and I realized recently that I am learning more than I thought at first.

The truth is that I am still unable to honestly tell myself that it's okay to have help with things. I can't accept the fact that even if I have some control over stuff, I need to stop desperately trying to fix everything on my own.

The tricky thing about the human mind is that even when you know something for certain, sometimes you doubt it. I don't quite know how to explain the feeling, but I'm sure you've had it before. Imagine a completely dark room, one with absolutely no light and no way to see anything. There may be other things in the room that you saw when there was light, or maybe that you simply know are always there, but in that moment your certainty of their existence wanes. For most people it isn't a pleasant thought, being in total darkness. We have an eerie distrust for darkness, and the longer we are surrounded by it, the harder it is to convince ourselves of what we know.

This is humanity's struggle - to find comfort in truth, rather than attempt to cling to our own misguided thoughts for solace. I have recently had this delusion that because I have been in this shadow before, I am capable of simply razing the problem altogether in my mind. A close friend told me recently to speak the truth to myself at all times, so that it may resonate when I can no longer see any hint of relief. This is my struggle, to fall in the arms of gracious and faithful God, instead of trying to solve everything myself.

"Seems there is nothing to remind me of peace down here, so how come that all I feel is joy?"

~Blindside