Define "Always"

I spoke with a friend tonight about the struggle my family and I encountered when I was diagnosed with TS and again later when my depression became apparent. It was not always obvious to me that my parents were concerned about helping me, and there were probably moments that their desire to do so waned slightly. They are burdened by the same human nature as the rest of us, something that I would never hold against them. In fact, the love that I see now that they had for me in the midst of trouble only points to the truly unfaltering love of God. Take a few minutes to really soak in these words; they have driven me to cry out in thanks for the perfection of the Father and His incessant desire to pursue us and receive our love in return.

He ever loves us in our brokenness
Weeps for every grief we face
Intercedes for us without ceasing
And bids us to receive His grace

His love protects us through the dark night
Never leaves us in our pain
He shelters us in His presence
In weakness, He perfects His strength

He ever loves us in our brokenness
In the cross He hides our shame
Forsaken by the Father
He died for us, He took our place

~Alex Mejias

P. Sherman, 42 Wallaby Way, Sydney

What have you forgotten recently? Where you left your keys? What time your class starts? Perhaps your son's phone number, or to return a missed call from last week. I forget stuff all the time. Usually it's something relatively insignificant, like leaving the light on in my room or not wearing boots instead of tennis shoes when there's half a foot of snow on the ground. Sometimes it can affect other people. When I was younger I used to come home and forget to take my shoes off, tracking dirt all over the house which Mom would then have to clean up. It can cause problems as well, such as neglecting to call a girlfriend or fixing a meal that your guest is allergic to.

Isn't it strange how easy it is to forget things, yet we remember so much that we don't want to?

The last few days have been rough for me, but not so much due to the current state of things around me. I've struggled with bad memories. Although some of the problems I've had recently are ones that I experienced in the past, they have hardly been as difficult as before. The biggest issue is that I am being constantly reminded of the darkest times of my life. Whether it be a movie or a bad dream, the problem seems to keep coming up and it has been effectively chipping away my energy and optimism.

You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by.
Job 11:16

I wrote the other day about hope, and this is sometimes what I long for the most. For many years it has been a verse that I remind myself of frequently, and something struck me tonight while I was praying about it. In context, it is simply an assurance that we will be concerned with absolutely nothing if we "devote [our] heart to him, and stretch out [our] hands to him" (Job 11:13). I find the need to repeat myself; God does not always reach down and rid us of all our troubles when we ask Him to, but He does indeed hear us and remains faithful.

David Crowder's lyrics again remind me of the hope we have, but also the honest acceptance of our human condition.

In the end, no hurting
In the end, no more yearning
In the end, no suffering, no sadness or pain
. . .
'Til the end, there's hurting
'Til the end, there's yearning
'Til the end, there's suffering, here waiting

What I have to look forward to is so incredible that I can lie down in peace, knowing that hell has already been conquered and the memory of my pain will one day vanish in the sight of the Lord's face.

(Not) Waiting On the World to Change

Having Tourette's has the same effect on my life as dropping food coloring into a glass of water; it permeates every aspect of things. Not that I necessarily mind, in fact I still consider myself blessed to have TS. I'll have to go into that another time though.

I mention this because of something a friend asked the other day- "but being a Christian helps with that right?" My initial thought was "yes, of course" but as I considered the situation the rest of the night, I realized there's more to it. As difficult as it can be to accept sometimes, my faith does not always make things feel alright. In fact, very often I find myself frustrated because things should be easier as a Christian, right?

My faith does not make my present troubles diminish; however, it gives me hope for the future.

I know all these thoughts are fairly scattered but bear with me for a minute. David Crowder's lyrics ring in my head on this subject;

All is lost
find Him there, find Him there
After night
Dawn is there, dawn is there
After all falls apart
He repairs, He repairs

God does not step down and whisk away pain simply because we have faith in Him. Rather, we can eagerly await His coming to repair what is seemingly impossible to fix. When my tics are bad, or when depression has a tight grip on my thoughts, I don't see God stepping in and taking everything away to make my life better. What I do see is that He is faithful and is already preparing a place for me with Him in eternity. That thought is infinitely more comforting than if He would just take away my troubles.

If I were asked that question again, I would still answer yes but would have to explain. My faith "helps with stuff" because I know that anything I deal with is 1. within God's omnipotent grasp, and 2. part of His plan to bring redemption to a fallen race.

God isn't waiting for our world to change; He sent redemption as a man and now works actively to draw us to Him.

When Light Fades

I took a hiatus from writing publicly but obviously I'm back. I was reading through a few journals I had written in high school and noticed some disturbingly similar patterns in my life. The last few months have grown increasingly difficult, and I realized recently that I am learning more than I thought at first.

The truth is that I am still unable to honestly tell myself that it's okay to have help with things. I can't accept the fact that even if I have some control over stuff, I need to stop desperately trying to fix everything on my own.

The tricky thing about the human mind is that even when you know something for certain, sometimes you doubt it. I don't quite know how to explain the feeling, but I'm sure you've had it before. Imagine a completely dark room, one with absolutely no light and no way to see anything. There may be other things in the room that you saw when there was light, or maybe that you simply know are always there, but in that moment your certainty of their existence wanes. For most people it isn't a pleasant thought, being in total darkness. We have an eerie distrust for darkness, and the longer we are surrounded by it, the harder it is to convince ourselves of what we know.

This is humanity's struggle - to find comfort in truth, rather than attempt to cling to our own misguided thoughts for solace. I have recently had this delusion that because I have been in this shadow before, I am capable of simply razing the problem altogether in my mind. A close friend told me recently to speak the truth to myself at all times, so that it may resonate when I can no longer see any hint of relief. This is my struggle, to fall in the arms of gracious and faithful God, instead of trying to solve everything myself.

"Seems there is nothing to remind me of peace down here, so how come that all I feel is joy?"

~Blindside