Pieces

Yesterday morning, God taught me a lesson.

I believe that God is always instructing us, helping us grow in many ways. But yesterday He came to church, soared right up on stage, and gave me a good firm shake in front of the entire congregation. He allowed me to be embarrassed, anxious, and finally humbled before Him and my church family.

Yesterday morning, my trust in fallible things got the better of me.

During the first service I noticed that one of the switches on a pedal I use wasn't quite working properly. It still worked, but needed a good stomp to activate it, something that bothered me just enough to try to fix it. As soon as the service ended, I set to work. I've had this exact same problem many times before, and I've done the same quick fix successfully every time. The housing for the switch tends to come loose, so I just have to pop it open, fiddle around, and tape it back up. However, when I put everything back together, I realized that I had forgotten to reapply the tape. No big deal, I'll get through second service and take care of it before third. So I plugged my guitar back in, turned my amp back on, and hit a test chord.

No sound.

We still had a few minutes before starting time, so I ran through what should have been a quick diagnostic- pulling out various pedals until I found the culprit, and make do without it for a while.

One pedal gone, no sound.

Two gone, no sound.

Three, no sound.

9:45 came quickly and I finally took a glance up to see 650 pairs of eyes focused on me, frantically messing around with stuff instead of starting the first song. I began panicking- if I can just get something to work, maybe they won't notice things are different.

A quick aside here for those of you that aren't familiar with the technology. The source of the problem was a pedal that I never turn off. It goes on when the first song starts and off when the last one ends. It's the thing that makes everything sound like it's supposed to- full and chimey and worshippy. Never have I played without it. Ever. Think of it as a singer's microphone or a drummer's drumsticks.

Back to my near-panic attack. I finally got a sound from my amp, at the cost of half my pedal board and the first 5 or 10 minutes of the service. Still everyone is staring at me. But we started.

And we got through the first song. And the second and third, and soon we were done. I didn't even bother trying to fix anything after that, at risk of causing even more problems. To be honest, I was completely flustered throughout the entire service. I was frustrated at my inability to fix the problem. I was upset that I wasn't comfortable with the necessary adjustments I had to make. Even though the people around me were helping out and encouraging me the whole time, I was agitated and ungracious.

I've had small kinks in services before. Forgetting to turn my amp on, not turning the volume up on my guitar, hitting a wrong chord here and there. But I've never been in a situation like this before. And for the next 12 hours, God was speaking one message to me.

I am always in control, let Me handle it.

I texted my sister during our break in second service, asking her for prayer. As I did, her favorite verse was echoing in my head.

Be still and know that I am God.

My confession is that I am rarely able to do that. I sure wasn't able to then, even while I spoke those words to myself. If I run into a dead end, I think I can find a way around it. I can fix a problem. I can resolve an uncertainty. Sure, God will help me, but I still think that I am capable of handling it.

My pride still stands in the way of trust. Even when we started playing and I knew that we were praising God despite the setback, I was concerned with the fact that I didn't do as much as I thought I should have. This song by Red was on repeat on my ipod all day after church, and I can't possibly think of a more appropriate statement. Take a few minutes to listen and focus on the lyrics.

God completely shattered my comfort in front of everyone yesterday. This morning I was still shaken up by the impact it had on me. I was entirely struck down so He could come in and take control, so He could show me in the most dramatic way that even though I fall apart, Christ makes me whole and in turn glorifies the Father.

But This is Different!

I love excuses. Ask my family. If there's anything that can possibly justify something I shouldn't have done or didn't do, I'll name it in a heartbeat. It's a habit that followed me through years of school, and I'm ashamed to say is still very much with me. If I'm late to band practice, traffic was probably bad or a road was closed somewhere. When I forget to call someone, it's most likely because I was so swamped with important things that I couldn't even find time to text them a quick notice.

Why is making excuses such an easy thing to resort to?

Because it allows us to get away with stuff. Let me clarify- even in a legitimate circumstance (my tire really was flat), I find myself explaining the situation in an attempt to absolve myself of blame rather than as a reasonable apology/explanation. I don't have a problem telling someone that I was late due to traffic, with the intent of filling him in on the situation. However, I rarely look back on such a statement and see myself as having been that honest.

The thing that stands out to me most when I think about making excuses is how I drive. I'm not an unsafe driver; I go 3-5 over the limit on most roads and maybe just slightly faster on the interstate. I try as hard as I can to be aware of people around me and considerate of their driving habits. But I judge people almost constantly. If someone's driving too close to me, you better believe I'm thinking about how arrogant they must be to think they can do whatever they want at the expense of my comfort. When someone flies by in a blur on the interstate, I'm immediately imagining what kind of horrible person would have such blatant disregard for the law.

And then five minutes later I'm fuming at the Buick going 5 under the speed limit in the left lane.

It's hard to admit that I rarely ever consider how immensely hypocritical I am in those moments. Instead I start coming up with all the reasons why my situation is totally different and entails my actions.

I'm not even speeding, they're just driving slow.

The left lane is for passing, not driving the same speed as the person next to you.

I'm at least a good foot farther back than the guy who did this to me earlier.

As long as I don't cuss at him or pull a gun then it's really not that bad.

Jon Acuff wrote about Grace on a Plane recently, and I've been reminding myself of that post whenever I've gone out in the last couple days. I need to keep a few key things in mind- first, that I am not an authority figure in this case and shouldn't try to act like one. Second, regardless of others' actions, I am bound by Scripture to not only follow the law but to love those who don't without any air of superiority.

What does grace in a car look like for you?

Just Chillin in the Fridge

The temperature difference between the shade and in the sun right now has to be at least 20 degrees. In fact, on a day that I sweated from walking across campus, I am very near the edge of chilly after sitting in the shade for a couple hours. Ignoring my friend's cheeky explanation of how the sun/shade relationship works, I started thinking about things that help rejuvenate me. Here's the list I compiled, in no particular order.

1. Shade- As you probably gathered already, I particularly appreciate a drop in temperature on excessively warm days. I think that's normal for most people.

2. A cold drink- Duh. Everyone likes a glass of ice-cold lemonade when the daily highs start rivaling those on Mercury.

3. A cold shower- This one took a while to get used to. In true James Bond fashion, I slowly acquainted myself with the invigorating nature of cold showers. While it's not too appealing during the Boone winters, they certainly are refreshing after a game of ultimate.

4. Playing music- I'll also include listening to it (depending on what you're listening to). I've never quite understood why music is so powerful for me. All I know is when I'm having a crappy day, a couple hours with a guitar can easily change things.

5. Driving with the windows down- Riding on the parkway with fresh air flowing through the car is one of the most exhilarating things I can think of. Even though I usually think they're quite impractical and overrated, a convertible could be pretty nice some days. Also, Mom needs to let me get my motorcycle license. /end subliminal message